Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Your Hiring Process Sucks!


A friend of mine recently won the lottery. Well not exactly, but let's just say he lucked-in to a family fortune that put him in a position to never have to work again. He thought about working at the local hardware store, but while the concept seemed compelling, the reality was a bigger headache than staying in corporate america.

He hated his current boss so he quit his high-paying Enterprise sales position. The world was his oyster, he wanted to stay busy, so he figured he'd venture into the world of start up tech.

Pretense: This gentleman had 20 years of sales experience, made Chairman's Club a remarkable 17 times, had worked for just 2 companies over 20 years and knew his marketplace inside out.

So began his experiment of Diving Back In......

Step One: For the first time in 10 years he re-tooled his resume. Unsure if people even read them anymore....?

Step Two: He agreed to work with a sales staffing firm (so his nephew would make $500 when he got hired).

Step Three: He met with one person from his network every day. He knew Senior Vice Presidents from Oracle, Google, Microsoft, Salesforce.com, Workday.... all of which offered him a job on the spot, none of which he entertained.

He was about to delve into something far more entertaining.

To his Nephew's credit, he booked him 3 initial interviews within the first week of having his resume on the market.

The hiring process went like this.....

Step One: Fresh-out-of-Jr-College admin calls to read you back your resume and ask questions like:
- What intrigues you about shit.com?
- Why did you leave your former employer?
- Why didn't you list your percentage to quota by quarter on your resume?
- Why do you not have a Facebook profile?
- What's your greatest strength?
- What's your greatest weakness?

Step Two: Talks to a Sr. Sourcer to answer the same questions.

Step Three: Re-Align with Nephew to understand that they "really like your experience" but if you wish to continue in the process you'll need to do the following:
1. Adjust resume to document quarterly quota achievement.
2. Watch 17 Vimeo videos to understand CEO's vision.
3. Write a blog .... on anything really, you just need to improve your KLOUT rating.
4. Provide 3 professional references.

Now he's in the game.... he actually gets to talk to a Sales Manager.



Douchebag Manager: Before we start, why didn't you document your percentage to plan by quarter?

DBM continues.... because your a friend of Jake's (obligatory nephew name), we're willing to chat you up, but your gonna have to bring your A Game.... Bro!

Step Four: You are invited to a Night Club to "display your social skills".

Step Five: You are brought in to give a "preso" on your go-to-market strategy.

Step Six: You get not a callback, an email or tweet regarding next steps in the process.

... the process just ends. No one is the wiser and Shit.com goes about their business.

Step Seven: You buy out 51% controlling interest in Shit.com for $750k and fire everyone!

* The above is based on a true story, names have been changed to protect the ignorant. My friend liquidated the company as a tax write off, douche bag went back to this high school job at the local hardware store and approximately $40K in office "equipment" was donated to volunteers of america.

Unfortunately, many will be facing this process (without lottery winnings in pocket) over the next 20 years.

What's more disappointing is the fact that many companies continue to devalue the hiring process.

The most outstanding candidates are not begging for employment. If you wish to enchant outstanding talent, stop engaging them as if they were auditioning for the Mickey Mouse club!

Don't Forget to Remember!

Dave

1 comment:

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